Here's a piece of
writing about and from my lonely solo studio practice. This must be
the extrapolation of the 7 minute solo I did on the Saturday of the
Con-ference. I hope you enjoy it, I had fun writing it.
Zen and the Art of Solo Performance Practice
The sound of one
hand clapping
Hello. Ree here,
reporting from the border region outpost where, rest assured, I am
single-handedly keeping dance improvisation alive for the betterment
of humanity (or at least one human), despite a distinct lack of local
interest. They say one monk given to meditation does multitudes to
spread peace and the light of consciousness about him. I think one
dancer given to improv, alone in a karate dojo 4 times a week,
without witness or audience, arguably does something similar.
Whereas the monk
sits alone on the cushion, I dance alone in the dojo: fearlessly and
patiently moving through the boundaries and limitations (and swamps
and quicksand) of my own mind, falling and flying beyond the
frontiers into unknown territory, turning up again and again to
no-one else but myself.
Oh, it's you again.
yeah, sorry, should
I go home?
no, no, you're here
now
I'm developing
compassion, tolerance, kindness, a fondness even, for the dedicated
dancer who keeps showing up. Who is in fact wearing down the critic
who has always had an uncanny knack for inevitably showing up at
exactly the same time (go figure!). I'm actually discovering some
enjoyable and interesting (on the good days) ways to bear witness to
my practice and keep it alive.
You know how it can
be, alone in the studio: You catch up on sleep, ponder your
relationship problems, stare at the ceiling, write in your diary,
make up to-do lists, acquire the abilities of a zen monk to do
nothing at all, and finally wise up and stop going to the studio
alone.
For me at this time
it's a case of dance alone or not at all. It's been fabulously cheap
therapy, which I'm more than happy to spend some of my dancing time
on. But it's a challenge to keep myself on my toes when I'm working
alone almost all of the time. How do you stop yourself getting lazy
and self-indulgent (beyond healthy levels) and maintain some rigour,
when practice with an audience or a witness is a rarity? How do you
keep yourself honest, playing the edge between the known and the
unknown where improvisational practice is real, without the energy of
an audience's attention and presence (or lack thereof) in palpable
dialogue with you?
So what do you do
in there?
I'd love to hear
from others who've gone long stretches without a community close at
hand, without a performance schedule to keep your attention tuned,
and with more pressing excuses like paying the rent. I've tried not
bothering at all, but it turns out I'm a Dancer whether I like it or
not. So at least that clears that doubt up. I suspect we all go
through this in some way at some time, more than once. The demands of
life can create a distance from practice just as real as physical
distance from the dance sangha. So what happens when the dance
community you want just isn't there?
For what it's worth,
here's an overview of my dancing alone experience. The stuff I
describe has taken place within a variety of practice structures (all
by myself) including no structures at all, warm-ups and scores
(spatial, physical, poetic, ritual), setting of myriad tasks and setting no tasks at all, timing and not timing things,
always noting/describing everything done and observed, and so on.
For a while I filmed
my practice and watched it later, getting into a visual feedback
loop. For a period, about 5 years ago, that feedback was invaluable.
I'm pleased to have some of those documents. I often appreciate my
dance more when I'm no longer in it. But I admit it's never taken
hold as a satisfying process or method of reflection for me. I tried
bringing it in again as my witness last year. Then my laptop camera
stopped working (warning to mac users: my advice is stay away from
Mavericks).
I've recently taken
to writing haiku (well, using the syllable structure anyway). At
least one a day for the past 2 months. My daily ritual dedication to
dance, body, being and poetics. As far as a practice of reflection
and presence goes (to my everyday, including dance) it's a good one.
It's becoming the most succinct and honest diary I've ever kept.
I offer my dance
Inquiring of my
nature
Risking the reveal
Dance like someone's watching
I often pretend you
are in the studio with me. Of course it's not the same without you. I
miss you. Nonetheless, I dance and I talk to you in my mind as I
dance. I witness the difference between pretending you are my witness
and having no witness at all. I watch myself step up, I feel the
heightened tension which can so easily slip into anxiety. I tell
myself to relax, you're not really here, now is the time to take a
risk, surge headlong into unknown territory, wait, fall all the way
back into a deep stillness.
Are. You.
Watch. Ing. Me?
Did. You. See.
What. I. Just. Saw?
Au. Di. Ence.
Di. Vide.
That particular
haiku emerged spontaneously last week, an authentic part of my
imaginary performance improvisation. My very first genuine
performance improv haiku.
Sorry you missed
it.
This is the
postcard version
I wish you were
there.
But in my mind you
were there. Can I call it a performance if I only imagined you
watching? If I was utterly brilliant, but the only person there, did
it happen the way I say it did? If a tree falls in a forest and
no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does the moon
truly exist when no-one is looking at it?
Dancing with myself
I'd actually thought
about calling this blog entry Dancing
With
Myself.
But a while ago I heard someone reel off a list of songs about
masturbation ('solo sex' he affectionately termed it) and Billy
Idol's song of that title was on it. So I can't utter that phrase
without linking it to masturbation. I've heard, I've seen, heaven
forbid I'm sure I've done improv unfavourably accused of being
self-indulgent, which I suppose is a non-crass way to say
masturbation (in this example).
But that's not the
worst of it. I've also taken to dancing with myself in front
of the big dojo mirror. I no longer ignore my reflection (who else do
I have to witness me)? I try to create some separation. I don't
imagine the woman in the mirror is me. She inspires me more that way.
And I judge her less, even when she's having a bad hair day. We
laugh a lot (cry too), we play games, hide and seek, etc. She's a
kook. I keep things sane and balanced.
Am I turning into a
narcissist? Am I 'self-indulging' in dance? Am I kidding myself with
the 'sane and balanced' comment? I do get lonely and it can get
pretty weird in there. Is it weird to find yourself in duets with
spiders or to join an ant ensemble? To be invoking Terpsichore and
praying for invisible entities to come and inject some inspiration
and something unpredictable into the dancing?
Dance as writing, writing as dance
No doubt I'm losing
it, but all's not lost. There's some cool stuff out there beyond the
frontiers, and when it's not cool it's usually character building. I
do love dancing and writing. I always have. It's becoming more
important now without regular practice buddies, feedback and
discussion. But the dance as writing is its own bigger topic which I
am playing with more practically in the studio. The writing as dance
bit is what I hope we'll all share more of, extending our practice
into dialogues by blogging (and completing your PhDs – no
pressure!). Please write. Help stem my slippery slide into insanity.
Can you see me
here?
Soloing for all I'm
worth
Bated breath, all
ears
Feed me extract of
PhD. Slivers of scholarly richness. Morsels of modest musings.
Hope to hear from
you
Send some postcards
from the edge
Still wish you were
here



